then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
