a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
