His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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