The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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