i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
