awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
