Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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