Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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