we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
