Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
