shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
