New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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