if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
