Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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