On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
