Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
