mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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