Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
