Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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