When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
