I am midnight drunk by noon
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
