Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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