Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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