I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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