I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
