get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
