What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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