I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
