the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
