dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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