I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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