I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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