maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
