What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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