I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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