I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
