my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
