Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
