Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
worst night to have a conscience
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
