Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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