I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
