Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
