If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
