My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
