He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
