He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
