Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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