I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
