every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
