I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
